Blackbird! (an oldie but goodie)

This is a blast from the past – an archive from my old MySpace page, and one of my favorites. I dug it up after talking with Mom yesterday and ending up even more homesick than usual. Also, I absolutely think we’re all entitled to a fun memory and a few laughs right about now.

~Circa 2007~

One afternoon last week, I was heavily engaged in various forms of engineer-wrangling when my cell phone rang. Glancing at the Caller ID, I was surprised to see my Mom and Stepfather’s number displayed. Normally they call me at home in the evening, knowing that these days I tend to be very occupied during business hours. Concerned, I answered, “Mom? Daddy D? What’s up?”

What I heard was this:

SQUAWK….!
Hissssssssssssssssssssssssss!
SCREEEEEEEECH!
Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwl!
SQUA-SCREEEEEEEECH!
Oh, SHIT!

…followed by a hang-up.

Well, that was certainly different. I blinked and replayed the soundtrack in my mind to ensure it was not an auditory hallucination, and that it did not in fact issue from the nearest conference room. Hrmmmm. No, I was quite certain of what I had heard. All my various professional responsibilities completely forgotten, I stared at my cell phone, willing it to ring again. No such luck.

After five slightly panicked minutes, I dialed the parents down in the Old Hometown as I began digging in my purse for the address book that contains their neighbors’ phone numbers. I was deeply relieved when my Stepfather answered, sounding only slightly out of breath.

TMc: Daddy D, is everything okay?
Daddy D: Crap, wrong T, I called the wrong T!
TMc: Okay, so you were trying neighbor T – is everything alright or not?
Daddy D: Your mother is across the street and I just got home from the store and the damn cats have a half-defrocked blackbird in here and holy shit what a MESS!
TMc: But you and Mother are fine?
Daddy D: Yes, yes, we’re doing just…
Background Soundtrack: SQUAWK! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! Yowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwl!
TMc: Well, I can tell that you’re very busy, so I’ll call ya’ll in a few days. Love you!

And I rapidly hung up, lest he ask me how to get bird blood off the white granite wall in their great room.

I called them a few days later to check on the aftermath of The Blackbird Incident. According to Mom, this is how you get bird blood off a white granite wall:

1. Ensure your husband has indeed removed the bird from the premises.
2. Ensure all cats are contained within the premises.
3. Lock down the cat door to the back yard for a period to-be-determined.
4. Mix a very stiff cocktail – drink.
5. Mix a spray bottle of bleach water – do not drink.
6. Mix a very stiff cocktail – drink.
7. Treat bloodied spots on white granite wall with bleach water spray until gone.
8. Mix a very stiff cocktail – drink.

I inquired as to whether the cocktail steps were necessary, and she assured me that they were critical to the success of the endeavor, if you wanted the cats to survive until the following day.

PS-yes, of course we know it was a grackle, but hey, the lovely man (may he rest in peace) was a Canadian. He didn’t know any better.